21. Conversion

There are moments then in the Gospel, where we are bounced around in a game of opposites, to the point of vertigo or shortness of breath. We pass endlessly from life to death, from absence to presence, and from renewed contacts to disappearances once again; from strength to extreme weakness, from semi-consciousness to resurrection, from darkness to light and from day to night; from endless joy to total despair, and from utter desolation to true happiness. It is no longer possible to say of Lazarus or of Jesus, who is living and who is dead. Everything is confused, from Jesus' death to our own death, from His Resurrection to ours, from our body to His. What is behind this cruel game, why so many stories, so many dramas, so many tears? What is to be the outcome? Let's take things from the beginning.

We have been following Jesus the Healer, somewhat Zorro, somewhat of an "actor", sympathetic, idealistic and militant; a dreamer yet extremely practical. We saw Him accessible to all, smiling, provocative when He wanted to be as good at ridiculing the stiff necks, as at answering those with hidden agendas. He was for us the very picture of youth and life, of a free and fulfilled man i.e. the one who succeeds, the challenger, the opposite to a neurotic. His very presence was a ray of sunshine, instilled deep joy, made one free. The sick were cured, those with handicaps restored to health, all forms of mental disorders disappeared, even the most serious, like solitude resulting from sin, paralysing remorse, or the feeling of exclusion. For many, He was the Saviour, the providential arrival, the rising star, the leader. A wonderful future seemed to stretch out before Him. He was the kind of man we all look for, someone in whom we can confide, with whom we could enjoy a stroll or a meal; the one who not only the Jews but every man and every woman waited for to put an end to loneliness, exclusion and squabbles; someone with whom to share, to communicate, to bare one's soul.

For He was an orator. Crowds came distances just to listen to Him. They came from everywhere and followed Him into the desert, on to the mountain, or to the sea shore. If He went into a house, those unable to gain entrance climbed up on to the roof and ripped off tiles, so that they could get a better glimpse of Him. He often had no time to eat. He took advantage of nightfall to steal away and be alone.

He spoke with authority as did no one before Him, and in a way no one could equal. His words caused life to spring forth as though He were creating it. His images came straight from the heart of reality, and no one could argue against His statements. You would have said that He encompassed all the world's wisdom, and even if He did not often quote the Bible, yet in His person, its every prophecy and event seemed to find its fulfilment. God was with Him, joy, hope and friendship inspired our lives; God was with us.

This is the image of Jesus we would like to hold on to. Yet, daily living and an attentive reading of the Gospel, leads us to detect a certain something missing, an aloofness, a gap that takes us by surprise every time. Jesus remains evasive, unpredictable, mysterious!

The disciples hardly ever understand Him. Each time they plan something for Him, He eludes their grasp. Jesus goes His own way resolutely and without delaying; He is really in transit. So that when Lazarus is taken gravely ill and unable to rise from his bed, and when Mary calls Jesus to his bedside in order to cure his friend, He remains for two days without doing anything or showing His concern. He could have been dead Himself so seemingly absent was He. Instead of driving away death, He abandons His friend to his sad destiny and only appears after the inevitable has happened. Jesus does not drive death away, but penetrates into its realm. To bring Lazarus back to life, He goes to Judea where they are looking for Him. He confronts the Jews on their own ground. To look for Lazarus in his tomb, He puts His foot in a trap which will eventually close in on Himself.

It is a veritable exchange that is going to come about: Lazarus' rising from the dead is about to result in the death of Jesus. For having raised him from the grave, Jesus will Himself be laid lifeless in a tomb; for having saved his friend from the perils of the night, He Himself will be plunged into darkness. For having freed us from the desolation of sin, He is to experience the most terrible abandon.

We would like Jesus to give us life, strength, health, joy, confidence, friendship...Now Jesus does give us His life, His strength, His health, His joy, His confidence, even up to that intimate relationship which unites Him with His Father. He gives it all to us, that is to say, He empties himself to the point of retaining nothing of it for himself. The relationship of Jesus to His father is one of perfect reciprocity. The bond He wishes to establish with us, aims at a like generosity, since it is a question of forming one single unity.