25. Mary Magdalen, Apostle of the Apostles

As we wait, we must go on from day to day as Christ's disciples, in the daily living out of a story which is not always a heroic one. The very first of the disciples was Mary Magdalen, who in a way, represents humanity embraced by the Resurrection of Jesus. The meditation which follows, is my effort to accompany her and tune in to her Easter experience.

"I thought night would never come to an end, and could not resist the urge to move about, to do something. Lying in bed weeping, did not offer much relief... no, I'd have to face death fairly and squarely, so I got up and made for the Tomb. Near the abandoned corpse, I could at least light a lamp, burn some incense, arrange the shroud as one might cover up a sleeping child, give vent to my sorrow, express my love.

My attachment to the One condemned filled me with a strange liberty. All fear had gone. He was my sole preoccupation. The judges and the soldiers no longer made any impression on me. It was obvious that the crowd had been manipulated. The trial had been a mere parody. The strikings and beatings had rendered the Man from Nazareth still more noble, closer, more human. His public crucifixion had forever separated Him from us, while at the same time revealing His nearness, His weakness, His nakedness, His poverty. It would have required an ocean of tenderness to allay His thirst, and if His ultimate cry did not rent the heavens in two, at least it wrenched open our hearts for all time.

More than His life and His actions, His death caused us to forget ourselves, and we were conquered. His last breath opened up a space of peace and abandonment where we entered with Him. His poor tortured body, limp in our hands, disarmed us and caused us to forget ourselves. On my way to him, as I drew closer to the Tomb and on entering in, I felt that my body was also His body, and as I approached the spot where He lay, I wanted for the last time, to pour out all the love I had for Him in my heart.

But His body was not there! The corpse had been taken away! My grief knew no bounds, and my love was so shattered, that my heart was at breaking point. I thought that I was going mad, for it was beyond doubt that His presence had been removed for the second time. I succumbed to deep distress, as deep as it was unreasonable, when suddenly I perceived the gardener. "Woman, why are you weeping?" With tears streaming down my cheeks I begged him: "If you have taken Him away, tell me where you have laid Him, and I will go and take Him." I'd have done absolutely anything! I might even have killed that man!

"Mary!" I recognised His voice! And I turned round as one might turn on seeing a ghost! as if I were no longer who I am! I didn't recognise myself any more. Everything had changed. How could everything have become topsy turvy so suddenly? Like a sleepwalker, I heard myself murmur: "Rabboni!" It was indeed He!

But I was unable to seize Him and hold on to Him forever. He was so completely in the embrace of His Father, that He evaded my wish to cling on to Him, asking me instead to go and tell the others that He was ascending to God. I don't know how I did it, but I turned round to go and do His bidding.

Where did I get the strength to part from Him? did I lack the courage? Given that I was so broken and dejected you might think that, but in fact it was the complete opposite. In letting Him go, in wishing Him to be where his duty lay, my bond with Him grew closer. I tuned in to His movement, united my will to His, to his burning Spirit. Taking the entire world in my arms with Him, I could not be contented with anything less. I was totally united to Him. So I wasn't embracing a corpse, nor indeed a corpse restored to life, I was taken outside of myself, and carried by that contagious love which inflames the world, and carries it as does a nursing mother. I was a woman and also a mother, not only because of this new conception dwelling in my heart, but chiefly because I allowed the Son, First-born from the dead, to go to the Father.

On the road back, there were so many questions racing round my head, that I could not think. An extraordinary joy emanated from my being, as if the world had changed radically".