41. Doubts and Boldness: Love's fears

The ways in which people view human love vary considerably: the psychologist may see in it a therapeutic regression; the biologist hormone influences; the sociologist a disturbing but necessary element; the lawyer an occasion of amorous business. As for the poet, it is a major source of his inspiration. And then there is the theologian, the canon lawyer, the parents and of course the couple themselves! Finally, let us not forget the celibate servant, the priest who has no direct experience of the reality, and yet who - paradoxically - is invited to address the bride and groom as they pronounce their marriage vows. That is the category to which I belong, and it is with a full realisation of my limitations in this area, that I gave myself permission to include this chapter. It goes without saying that I would be critical of adolescent love's young dream, the Sleeping Beauty and her Prince Charming who marry and have lots of children! On the other hand, I examine the event from a theological viewpoint, and this may perhaps weigh rather heavily on this human reality.

One of the first questions to ask is whether they can and if they wish to engage themselves or not. When a man and a woman begin to realise that they love each other, the moment arrives when this love, acknowledged and accepted, can no longer be lived passively from day to day, but has to be proclaimed, made public and shared. Many are content to submit to this, but for love to reach its full maturity, it is essential that it be willed. Its whole nature changes, when it no longer rests at the level of the emotions, but when it is also an affair of the will. Contrary to what is imagined, marriage is not a private affair between two people, but has a social dimension which must be acknowledged.. Marriage is that fundamental act which makes of two different people, a new, coherent and fruitful unity. It affects us all, for when our friends wed, it is not mere social regulation of sexuality, but it is also a feast, expressing not just the couple's newly-found joy, but also a global symbol of what humanity in general is called to.

Two questions immediately follow: number one, why engage oneself publicly and celebrate a feast on a particular day? And number two: why marry in Church?

It is true that the adventure is so ambitious that it seems to belong to the realm of dreams rather than to that of real life. We all know how difficult life can be: jealousies of all kinds, work fatigue, the daily grind, the multiple complications arising from the world as it is, the "what will they say?" the violence, the hoarding with a view to security, the inward-looking attitudes, or on the other hand, hyper activity with its inevitable consequences...

It is because they have weighed up all this, and have found the risks too great, that many refuse to undertake such an engagement. Why pronounce words that run the risk of not being respected? Since in their eyes, words which pledge their love for each other are in the long run, mere "words, words, words," beautiful incantations or poetic outpourings, why not, they say, live from day to day, and enjoy life as it comes?

All the more so, since the words "marriage" and "love" have only in fairly recent times been linked together. Up to the last century, lands or families or properties were the consideration.; common interests were "married" and the love element only entered in later on...or was enjoyed elsewhere! Today on the contrary, the couple, and particularly the couple in love, have occupied the entire horizon with their fantasies and their romantic pursuits. The word "love" is all around us, but for the most part, it is degraded and dishonoured. An "affair" lasts for the summer months, a season perhaps, when the beach is inviting and one is in need of a companion. One lends oneself for a short while without ever really giving, and the inevitable if sad separation follows: "I did love you and it was good, but I don't love you any more; that's life! You can't make me love, it is stronger than I am." In fact, the present form "I love you" - because of its intensity - is deliberately avoided. And in the case of those who do choose to commit themselves, you will hear things like: "It's a pity!" or "they have courage!" "For life? but they cannot see the end of the road!" Questions will be asked: "Is it really responsible behaviour? Are they not asking too much? It is so chancy! Aren't they risking disappointment?" In the general grey situation, it is not often one hears a clear word about love which goes beyond recipes, morality or psychology. Even in the churches, clear words about the meaning of the sacrament are alas rare.

We are weak and inconsistent creatures, and only too conscious of the limitations of our will. Failure is not foreign to us, so who is going to lead us to believe that we can risk a word or affirm a project? Who will give us the strength, the stimulus and the endurance to see it through to the end and to lend it substance? Who will convince us that the one who makes a promise is trustworthy and faithful, so that fear of infidelity is completely dispelled? ...in a word, who will be responsible? For love lives by faith, and most often in what has not been felt or experienced, in what cannot be proved and where there have been no prior experiments. The one who is constantly looking for proofs and guarantees, is on the right road to wearing out the beloved, smothering love and causing it to wither.

Declarations of love even when rapturous, are usually rare and fleeting; one must deliberately believe in it.

Only those who take risks can know what failure is, just as only those who really hope and invest in a great adventure, can taste bitterness and disillusionment. In truth, only those who live are capable of dying and only those who love are capable of suffering and of tears. In welcoming Christ in their midst, as did the two disillusioned companions on the road to Emmaus, or the bride and bridegroom at Cana when the wine ran out, those who marry will not be able to avoid cares and crises and disillusionment, but they can assume them and go through them, transforming them into their opposites: fulfilment and joy. The sacrament of matrimony is not a kind of mascot, to bring good luck to the couple in life's lottery - no! it means welcoming into the couple's life, the presence of Him who forgave His torturers and triumphed over death.

It has to be admitted that without faith, marriage in church is completely devoid of meaning, This is true even when the ceremony is a routine affair, but it is likewise true if the celebration is taken more seriously. There are countless unbelievers who wish to solemnise their wedding in church, so as to add a "sacred touch" to their union. It is not necessary to be a Christian in order to realise that love is terrible and fascinating like death, that sexuality is an enigma and human love a mystery. A man and a woman do not have to be Christians in order to discover that what is happening between them, surpasses them both, sweeps them off their feet and propels them much further on. There is a spiritual and mysterious dimension to love which certain couples feel very strongly, without knowing how or why it is present, nor whither it is going or what it signifies. So they come to the priest In other places, they approach the witch, the Ayatollah or the Guru. In the former communist countries, they went to the Lenin mausoleum or to that of the martyrs of the Revolution. As we are not animals, we seek a transcendence, references and witnesses. A respectable proceeding no doubt, but for all that, not a Christian one.

Now the sacraments are signs of the faith. Without faith, not only are they empty, but untruthful, for they make a statement which is not shared. Just as Baptism is an empty gesture without a personal encounter with Jesus Christ, likewise matrimony without the Breath of the living God. The baptism of an unbeliever does not give him faith, just as vows pronounced before the Registrar of marriages does ot produce tenderness and love. The Rite of marriage in Church does not give access to the living conscience of convinced Christians. It is just mimicry - I would go so far as to say deception - unless it is perceived from inside the faith. As long as the interested parties remain outside, the gestures attached to the administration of the sacrament, are seen as a kind of folklore, old-fashioned certainly, but always rather charming!

But - believers or not- there are very many who wish to know the deep meaning of their love. How can we convey to them the sense of what we live inside the faith? Without claiming to have the monopoly where love is concerned, Christians still have a Word which reveals its secret. Again, without claiming to have a privileged monopoly of joy and hope, Christians have received a promise which strengthens joy and transforms "I hope it will" into "I know it will!" Without claiming to own God, Christians are called to share with others the knowledge they have of Him.

For Christians - even when there are only two of them - never feel completely alone. The love which flows through them is a passion which sets fire to the entire world. The ardour which consumes them is that fire blazing across history and setting the earth on fire like a burning bush. The love which draws them together is not an anonymous and passing sentiment, but a presence which is younger than the future and older than time itself. The love enfolding them is not a dark force, but a gentle invitation from Someone. They have seen his face and they know his Name.

As a young man - having celebrated the wedding of good friends - I have felt the need, with heart racing wildly, to disappear on my own into those remote Mediterranean regions and to walk for long hours, so that my spirit could digest what I had experienced. The others made way to the festivities and to dance the hours away, but I felt the need to be alone, in order to commune with the great vision of Hosea. All of creation, the heavens, the earth, the sun and the rivers, the entire history of the universe, the long march of humanity, all were there in concert to celebrate and to sing the canticle of perfect harmony, the song of perfect reciprocity. It seemed to me that the summit of life had been attained, that one was entering into a domain of infinite harmony, into an era of justice, tenderness and peace; that the ultimate had been reached and finally accomplished.

In the light of faith, the parallel established between the union of a man and a woman, and the marriage of the earth with the living God, is called by Christians a "sacrament". The love uniting Christ to His Church is the same as that which develops between the bride and the groom. That is why "this is a great mystery", this sacrament is great. Nothing is more precious, nothing more holy, and nothing ought ever to separate what God has joined together!